Rusty Fingers

Exactly four months today since I got back from Newcastle.

Got held back from writing due to work, weddings, preparations... I think my weekends are now filled with all sorts of activities. Not that I'm complaining but it is quite hectic. I'm lucky enough I only work from 8 to 5. phew.

My most recent trip was my graduation. Happily to announce that I am now a MSc Marine Engineering (with honors) graduate! Alhamdulillah it has been a milestone for me. Way too many obstacles during my 1 year study in Newcastle. I've had my ups and downs but in the end it was worthwhile.

I dedicated my thesis to my late grandmother, Rahmah Bujang, and a day after Maktok passed away my results came out. I didn't even got the chance to tell her I got a distinction but I hope she knows.

It has been a very tough year for me, really. I constantly think of her especially before I sleep. It's heartbreaking to actually admit she's no longer with all of us. Sometimes I dream of her at night, where she would call my name.

I think there are lots of things I wish I had done with her/ for her. I wish I had brought her eat durian just like I promised, I wish I had taken more photos of her and with her, I wish I had called her every single day when I was away, I wish I had spent more quality time with her, I wish I had gone back Malaysia when I knew she was unwell, and sometimes I wish I had never even gone to Newcastle so that at least I could have spent my last Hari Raya with her.

These are the things that we regret in life, things we wish we would have done, could have done. But it's all in the past now and we grow to be better human beings each day, learning that it's never the amount of things we do, but the quality time we use is what matters.

I always try my best to make doa for Maktok, hoping that one day we could see each other once again, hopefully in heaven. Insya'Allah.

Because of you Maktok, my world in filled with joy, OUR world is filled with joy. :')

Al-Fatihah.

Long absence

Yes, I have been on extremely long absence for weeks, okay months. I have so many pending stories to tell. Too many I don't think it will fit in just one post.

First good news is my master's journey has officially ended on 6th August 2014. Yes, it has been 3 weeks! And I can't believe I have not find time to write until now. Tsk.

Above all, alhamdulillah the journey is finally over. I can't believe I have survived the 11-month classes-exams-research process. The process was not easy, totally not. I'm taking MSc Marine Engineering for goodness sake it is not easy at all! Especially cos I have very very little knowledge on that area. It was indeed a good experience for me, yeah people might think it's all happy and fun being able to study abroad, what they don't know is that everyday is a struggle being away from family. That is the truth. As much fun it is to be able to explore new things, nothing beats the joy of being with your family. Nothing!

I really can't wait to get back home, spending all the time I have in the world with my family, especially with my mother and grandmother whom I owe the most. She is truly an angel to me (my mother) I just don't know how I could ever repay her. And to my grandmother who is not very well back home, I'm sorry for being away for too long, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to help you go through the pain, I'm just sorry. If I could take away the pain from you, I would. All I could do for now is pray for your health, may you be 10 times healthier each day every single day. *wipes tears*

So yes, trying to cope with studies while being away with family and constant worry over them is excruciatingly painful.

Good news is Maktok is getting better by day, alhamdulillah; and I will be back in my family's arms in 3 weeks' time InsyaAllah.

I'm thankful I have such strong support system in my life, and I want nothing more than never-ending happiness and good health for all of them. Because of them, I am who I am now. :')

When she loves

When a woman begins to love,
She is always happy, happy with the happiness you give, overjoyed with the places you bring, grateful for the things you give, excited with the things you share, thankful with the sacrifices you make,

Her day brightens, her smile is worth a thousand words, and she is forever devoted with the love she has,

However, she is also very weak, weak with the love u share, fragile with the words u say, attentive with the way you treat her, broken with the negativity you show,

As weak as she is to the love you give, when one day she should care no more, there is no more happiness left in her eyes, no more joy in her laughter, no thank you's in her replies nor excitement in her expressions

And what is left is just strength. The strength she never wanted in the first place; the strength to move on, to leave, and to walk away,  and as she decides to bid goodbye she leaves nothing more than endless tears and cries... As those are only what's left she could offer.

Confessions.